Who Nabbed Jessica Rabbit?
by DavidPresents
Summary: When Jessica Rabbit is kidnapped, will Roger and Eddie rescue this damsel in distress? Rated for light bondage.


**Hollywood, California. 1948.**

"If Jessica's been kidnapped, then take it to the cops," said Eddie Valiant. "I'm busy with other cases and besides, I don't work for Toons."

"P-p-p-please, Eddie, you're the only one who can help!" pleaded Roger Rabbit, wringing his long ears with his paws, he was so upset. "The human cops don't care about what goes on in Toon Town and besides, everybody knows that when a Toon's in trouble to go see Eddie Valiant!"

"You mean they used to," the private investigator corrected him. He reached into his desk drawer for a bottle of whiskey, only to discover a note from his girlfriend, Dolores, reminding him that he had promised to cut back his drinking. He slammed the drawer shut and glared at the cartoon rabbit, who nervously blinked back at him.

"And they want one million simoleons, and I don't have that kind of money; people think that because I'm a movie star I must be really rich but I'm not because R. K. Maroon, he's the owner of Maroon Studios where I make my cartoons . . ."

"Yes, I know who he is," growled Eddie. "What about that twenty-four karat ring Jessica gave you for your birthday?"

"They were twenty-four carrots in a ring," Roger corrected him. "And I ate them all. Besides, they weren't worth any one million simoleons." He held an imaginary carrot up to his mouth and pretended to munch on it. "Eh, what's up, doc?" he mimicked.

"You know, I heard that Mel Blanc actually hates carrots," said Eddie.

"Mel Blanc? Who's he? Is he the dastardly fiend who kidnapped my p-p-p-precious Jessica?" screamed Roger, hopping up and down in his chair. "If I find he's harmed even one hair on her head, just one carroty thread of her . . ."

"Sit down, Rabbit. He's not a kidnapper, so never mind him. What makes you think Jessica's been kidnapped at all?" asked Eddie. "Maybe she just went shopping and hasn't come home yet. You know how women are when they go to the stores."

"Because they sent me this ransom note!" exclaimed Roger, unfolding a sheet of paper.

"Why didn't you show me this in the first place?" demanded Eddie irritably, snatching it from the rabbit. He placed the note on his desk. Written, in an almost illegible scrawl, were these words:

_Deer Dum Bunny_

_Haha we kidnapt yer wife so if you ever want to see her agin heres what you haff to do. Git one millyun semol semmil simmul git one millyun smackers in a big bag and take it to Stewdeo 13 of Maroon Stewdeos today at 3 oclock. Come bye yerself and no cops and bring all the munny like what we sed and dont weasel out or the dame gits it._

_Signed_

_The Kidnappers_

"P-p-p-please, Eddie, it's almost three o'clock and I don't know what to do!"

"We need to figure out where she is." Eddie was serious now, realizing this was not a case of Roger being hysterical but that Jessica really was in trouble. He examined the ransom note through his magnifying glass for clues. He studied it sideways and upside down. He even turned it over, in an effort to see if he could learn anything from it about the whereabouts of the kidnappers.

"Ha, I got three fours," said the weasel, whose name was Liverlips. He spread his cards on the table and leaned forward to gather the chips before him.

"Not so fast, bub," Baby Herman said quickly, taking a generous puff on his cigar before revealing his hand. "I have two eights, so I win. Better luck next time, chump."

"Hey, that ain't right," objected Liverlips. "Three of a kind beats a pair. I remember, you won the last hand that way."

"Yeah, but this is different," explained the cartoon character who looked like a baby, but who was actually quite grown up. "Three fours add up to twelve, right? And two eights make sixteen. Sixteen is more than twelve, so I'm taking the pot."

"That don't sound right," objected Liverlips. "Hey, Screwball, don't three fours beat two eights in poker?"

"Uh, I dunno," shrugged Screwball, who was also a cartoon weasel. "All I know is, my hand weren't no good, 'cos nothing matched; it was just five hearts in a row, so I folded."

The other weasels at the table grumbled quietly.

"You need to learn some stragety," Baby Herman informed them smugly as he gathered his winnings and shuffled the cards. "But don't worry about losing; this is chicken feed. You'll be in for some serious simoleons once we collect from the rabbit. Ain't that right, Toots?"

"Mpfff!" answered Jessica Rabbit. She wore her usual red sequin, gravity-defying strapless dress with its high slit, along with purple opera gloves and dainty high-heeled pumps.

As she was the kidnapping victim, she was bound and gagged, of course. A thick bandanna, white with green dollar signs, cleave gagged her, with a large knot tied in her mouth. Her calves were bound together with rope that circled continuously from her ankles up to her knees. Her arms were tied to her sides with another long, winding strand of rope. A third rope was tied around her waist that then ran up to the ceiling, keeping her suspended over the swimming pool. She struggled and twisted, and gave Baby Herman a chilling glance with one eye, the other being covered by her orange-red hair.

Baby Herman wasn't impressed, though. "At least you'd better hope he does," he told her, enjoying another puff of his cigar; "'cos if he don't, then you'll be food for the fishes. What do you Brazilians think about that?"

"Yum, yum!" exclaimed the cartoon piranhas as they leapt into the air out of the swimming pool and splashed back in again. They snapped at Jessica, their false teeth jumping upwards out of their mouths as they tried to get a bite. They missed, but just barely; the cartoon siren managed to swing her legs out of the way of hungriest fish before they settled down once again.

"Hurry up, we're hungry," they complained, adding something in Portuguese that no one else understood.

The door to the swimming court opened. "Hey, Knuckles, you got that ransom money?" asked Baby Herman as another cartoon weasel slunk in.

"No, boss, the rabbit didn't show."

Baby Herman yelled several very bad words. "Well, you know what this means, Toots," he told Jessica when he finally calmed down. "You, Liverlips, climb on up there and untie that rope."

"Hehehehe," laughed the weasel. His agile paws had no trouble finding purchase as he scrambled up the wall. He scurried along the rafters until he stood directly above Jessica. He watched her as she struggled frantically, an evil grin on his face, until he suddenly reached for the rope that held her above the water!

"Jessica!" shouted Eddie, banging the door open.

"Mpfff!" she called out in reply.

"Valiant! How did you find us?" demanded Baby Herman.

"It wasn't too hard," shrugged the private detective. "I just followed Knucklehead back here from the Studio."

"That's Knuckles," the weasel corrected him.

"I thought I told you to make sure no one followed you!" Baby Herman accused him.

"It wouldn't have mattered much," Eddie informed him. "I had a pretty good idea he was heading here, due to the ransom note being printed on the back of a pamphlet announcing the Toon Town pool would be closed for a few days."

"This is the last time I work with weasels," Baby Herman said with disgust.

"Why'd you do it, Baby Herman?" Eddie asked. "I thought Roger was your partner."

"I got expensive tastes and a small paycheck," shrugged Baby Herman. "R. K. Maroon don't pay quite what he could to us Toons."

"I've heard it all before," said Eddie in disgust.

"You know how much Havana's finest cost?" demanded Baby Herman, lighting a fresh cigar. "Thankfully, we can look forward to Cuba supplying us with these forever." He blew a foul cloud of smoke out of his mouth. "What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I was running short of simoleons and I heard about that twenty-four karat ring Jessica gave Roger, so I figured he could pawn it to raise the ransom. Then I'd let the dame go and no one would get hurt."

"That's not what you told us," Screwball told him anxiously. "You said that once we got the simoleons that we'd have to finish her off so she couldn't tell the cops nothing."

"Why don't you try keeping your big mouth shut?" suggested Baby Herman.

"Hey, Baby Herman, you want I should drop the dame in?" asked Liverlips. He had stopped untying the knot when Eddie had come in.

"Yeah, send her down," roared one of the piranhas.

"She'll make a real splash with us!" yelled another.

"That rabbit didn't follow the plan," said Baby Herman, "so, yeah, in she goes!"

"No!" shouted Eddie, racing to the edge of the pool.

"Mpfff!" screamed Jessica.

"Don't worry, Jessica, I'll save you!" Everyone looked up to see Roger Rabbit climbing in through an upper window. There were several rings connected by long ropes hanging from the ceiling. One was fastened right where he stood. He loosened the ring and swung down. His intended to grab Jessica and then continue to swing them to safety. However, once he reached his wife he let go of the rope with both hands to hold her, so the two of them plunged into the pool, throwing water all over Eddie.

The detective sputtered while Baby Herman and the weasels laughed.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!" yelled Roger, suddenly jumping back out of the water into the air. He carried Jessica, still bound and gagged, in his arms. The hungry piranhas snapped at his tail and trouser seat. Roger spun his legs for a couple seconds, finally zooming forward to place Jessica safely on the floor.

Baby Herman was about to give the weasels an order, but paused when he heard sirens approaching outside. "The cops! Come on, you mugs, let's am-scray."

Roger Rabbit tugged a loose end of the rope binding his wife, spinning Jessica around, and then found another loose end and spun her in the opposite direction so that suddenly she was free. Eddie wasn't surprised, though; he was used to Toons doing impossible things.

"My hero!" Jessica exclaimed, lifting Roger for a hug as Eddie looked on jealously.

"All right, and just where do you think you're going?" demanded a cartoon moose dressed in a blue uniform and helmet, as he intercepted Baby Herman at the door. Several other cops flooded into the building behind him; they were various animals, large and dim-witted, but there were many of them so they rounded up the kidnappers without any difficulty.

"No, my plans ruined!" screamed Baby Herman, as the moose carried him away. His eyes filled with tears. "WAAAH!"

"Come on, Roger, let's go home," suggested Jessica, wringing pool water out of her dress. "We can play patty-cake."

"All right!" exclaimed Roger, little hearts forming around his head.

"I still can't understand what she sees in him," sighed Eddie. But then, some people said something similar about Dolores, wondering what she could see in him. He checked his watch. Her shift at the diner was about to end. "Maybe we can meet up for some fun of our own!" he announced to the empty room.


End file.
